


Broken

by paranoid_parallax



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Abuse, Angst, Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Azula (Avatar)-centric, Boundaries, Childhood Trauma, Dysfunctional Family, Electroconvulsive Therapy, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family History, Family Secrets, Gen, Genetic Disorders & Abnormalities, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, Loneliness, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Non-Consensual Electroconvulsive Therapy, Paranoia, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Schizophrenia, Siblings, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25743991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoid_parallax/pseuds/paranoid_parallax
Summary: Azula’s mental state worsens as she is cut off from the outside world, trapped in a mental institution with staff who look on her with pity at best and scorn at worst.Her former friend Mai begins to visit, and slowly pulls her back to some semblance of stability — and eventually, her brother comes to see her.
Relationships: Azula & Mai (Avatar), Azula & Ozai (Avatar), Azula & Ty Lee (Avatar), Azula & Ursa (Avatar), Azula & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 144





	1. alone

Azula didn’t know how many days had passed. Time felt endless in here.

The straightjacket was a constant presence when she was let out of her cell. She had almost forgotten the simple freedom of being outside unrestrained.

 _Stop looking at me like that. Stop_ pitying _me, I can see it on your face._ She didn’t bother to voice her thoughts aloud, though. If nothing else, she could preserve a shred of dignity by reminding herself that she was above these commoners.

No matter what her stupid brother and his little peasant girlfriend had tried to do, she would be back on her rightful throne soon enough. Father would come get her. _He loves me. He won’t abandon me._ She rocked herself to sleep, reminding herself that Father would come and get her out of here and she would be crowned Firelord soon.

What she assumed were months passed by, and he never did.

She stopped sleeping in her bed and curled up on the cold floor instead.

Half the time she could feel her mother’s arms around her, long nails digging into her skin like claws, her hold inescapable. _It isn’t real. It isn’t real._ It couldn’t be, and yet she found bloody scratches all over her arms.

Whispers that the war was over and her brother had taken the throne reached her ears soon enough, and she burned everything flammable in her cell to ash. None of it was replaced — _crazy bitch can’t tell the difference anyway_ — and she huddled in the corner, snapping at anyone who passed by.

The rotation of people bringing her food narrowed down quickly to the same few. Undoubtedly most of them were refusing to go near her — _those schizos are dangerous._ In her case, she supposed that was true.

_Good. Stay away._

Azula stopped eating. She stopped wanting food. What might have been hours or days slipped away from her as she lay on the floor, in and out of catatonic states.

Ursa visited her often now. Too often.

Azula wished she would just leave her alone. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

“We’re just trying to help you, Azula.”

“I don’t want your help! I want to go home!”

She moved to firebend at her mother, but her arms were trapped. “Let go of me.” She struggled frantically, panic rising. “I said let go! I order you to unhand me, or I’ll tell Father!”

“Azula, listen to me. Your father isn’t here.”

“No, _you_ aren’t here!” she snarled, blue flames issuing from her mouth. “He’s banished you. You don’t belong here. I’ll kill you, I swear I will—” She felt a pinprick in the back of her neck, and the world swam before her eyes, blurring and dimming.

“I’m not a monster,” she tried to say, but she wasn’t sure if the words got out before she went unconscious.

* * *

Azula could feel her sanity slipping. In her moments of lucidity, which grew rarer and rarer, she was terrified at the way she could feel her mind unraveling. She tried to remind herself of what was real and what wasn’t, but being so cut off from the outside world, she was losing even more of her fragile grasp on reality.

The psychiatrist had long since grown tired of her, probably one more wrong move on her part away from deeming her a hopeless case.

She didn’t _want_ to see and hear and feel things that weren’t there, especially when those things nearly always involved her mother. Attempting to cling to her sanity somehow, she began trying to strike up conversations with her nurses and guards rather than snapping at them, but they were all wary of her and extracted themselves from her presence as soon as possible. She could glean almost no important information from them, and certainly no meaningful companionship.

Not that she wanted to make friends, of course. She was merely thinking logically, aware that her mind required regular social interaction to remain stable. That was all.

* * *

They shocked her.

Sometimes they attached a strange device to her head which caused her to seize violently. The feeling of helplessness in her own body was so upsetting that after the first time, they usually had to force it on her. It left her with headaches and brief gaps in her memory, and once she broke two ribs during the procedure as her muscles spasmed uncontrollably, but occasionally she was still a willing participant solely because it did tend to keep Ursa away for a few days.

The hallucinations kept returning, though. She was resistant to treatments of all sorts; none helped her for more than a little while and most were entirely useless.

Other times, they just shocked her for being too difficult. That didn’t give her the seizures, only pain.

Azula wondered if this was what it felt like to be struck by lightning.

Bending lightning had simply been a tool for her, another way to ensure she remained in control of those around her through any means necessary. She had never really thought about what it must feel like from the other side, because she had never been threatened with it herself and never thought she would be.

It hurt.

Struggling to pull out of her restraints, she felt a flash of sympathy for her brother as she remembered him convulsing in agony on the ground after she’d shot him with lightning.

Later, in her nightmares, her mother bent lightning at her.


	2. friends

“So, how’s it going?”

 _Mai._ When had she gotten in here? Azula remained wary, knowing she was probably a spy for Ursa. _No, don’t think that. She’ll hear you._

“How do you think?” she snapped.

“You want some food?” Mai was eating already, draped over a chair that had obviously been brought there for her. She gestured at a second tray by her feet as she spoke.

“Oh, yes, I would _love_ it if you would deign to feed me,” Azula snapped.

Her former friend ignored the anger. “Cool.” She slid the tray into Azula’s cell.

“I hate you.”

Mai rolled her eyes. “Stop being dramatic and eat.”

“For all I know you’d poison me. Traitor.”

“Why would I bother? You’re already stuck in here, it would be a waste of money.”

After several seconds’ hesitation, Azula grudgingly picked up the tray. “Fair enough.”

She thought she saw the corner of Mai’s lips quirk upward slightly in response, but couldn’t be sure.

She took a bite of the food — not what they usually brought her. “Oh. _Mmm._ ” She shoveled several more bites into her mouth despite herself. “This is good.”

“I brought it for you.”

Azula’s guard came back up instantly. “What do you want?”

Mai shrugged.

“Don’t give me that act. I know you. Why are you here? What do you want with me?”

“Well, I was bored at home, and my parents certainly don’t want me to be here, so… I guess it was something vaguely interesting to do.”

“Of course,” she said bitterly, hugging her knees to her chest. “Well, you’ve gawked at me long enough, haven’t you? The zoo is closed. Get out.”

“ _And_ I missed you, stupid,” Mai added with a sigh.

“Liar.”

The girl just shrugged.

“Where is she?”

“Who?”

“Oh, you _know_. Don’t pretend you don’t.”

She looked confused. “You mean Ty Lee?”

“No, you idiot,” she hissed. “Don’t play dumb with me. Where is my mother and why did she send you?”

Realization dawned on Mai’s face. “Oh, so you _are_ still crazy.” She went back to her food calmly.

“I hate you. I hate all of you.”

“Good to know nothing’s changed, I guess.”

Azula recoiled like she’d been struck. “I _didn’t_ hate you. Not until you betrayed me.”

“Cool.”

“Is that all you can say?” Another shrug. “I guess Zuzu was right about you.”

Mai glared at her. “Shut up.”

“Oh, look at that! I found an emotion.”

She was _blushing_. “Go to hell.”

Azula grinned broadly. “Already done.”

Mai actually _laughed_ at that — a short, harsh, restrained laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.

Not that Azula cared, of course.

“It’s so boring in here,” she said, careful to conceal her deeper feelings. “None of the staff will really talk to me, and I can’t go anywhere.”

“Have you tried being nicer to them?”

“Yes!” she snapped.

“Sorry, jeez.”

“Well, Mai, if you still have a shred of loyalty to me, I was wondering if—”

“Yes, I’ll come back.” She paused, then with the slightest smirk, added, “ _If_ you apologize for throwing me in prison.”

Azula scoffed at that. “You can’t be serious. You betrayed me!”

“I’m not hearing an apology.”

“Fine. I am sorry for having you, a criminal and traitor, arrested for assaulting your princess and aiding in a prison break.”

After a moment’s silence, Mai shrugged. “Eh, good enough.”

* * *

Mai’s visits were sparse at first. When left alone too long, Azula paced in her cell, wanting to scream her lungs out — and sometimes giving in to that urge until she was forced to be quiet. She barely ate.

Upon her former friend’s arrival, she would always recognize her footsteps approaching and quickly compose herself, brushing through her hair as best she could with her fingers (she had melted a cheap comb months ago and never gotten a new one) and settling her features into the best approximation of her former personality she could manage.

Ursa could see that she was slipping anyway, no doubt. This wasn’t for her benefit — _let her see, let her know just how much she’s ruined her daughter_ — it was for Mai’s. Some part of Azula still wanted this girl to at least respect her, even if she no longer feared her.

After a few weeks of unpredictable, occasional visits, Mai began to show up more and more regularly until she was there almost daily. Azula couldn’t say she minded.

It was an improvement to have someone to talk to, but she was still spending most of her time descending further into madness, with no one but her mother for company. She demanded Mai bring her something to occupy her mind with while alone, and was brought several books that were far beneath her level, and others she had already read cover to cover many times over, before finally receiving some she was pleased with.

She read them voraciously, just as she had done as a child, but there were new obstacles now. Sometimes a seemingly arbitrary sentence would jog her memory that Ursa was watching; some phrase would remind her she was never really alone and never free; an image would spark thoughts that made her want to tear her skin off. Her thoughts were scrambled, too. It was hard to concentrate even when the paranoia subsided, and she still found herself completely numb and useless at times.

She refused to give up, though. Failure was not an option for her.

One day, Mai brought a pai sho game she had apparently “borrowed” from some relative or other, and Azula lit up immediately.

They played five times, and Azula decimated her opponent each time, actually jumping up and punching the air in victory after her first win. It felt so good to win at something again.

“Okay, we get it, you’re good at everything,” Mai said finally, rolling her eyes, and for a moment it felt like old times. “I’m tired.”

“We’ll play again tomorrow,” Azula said, almost desperately.

“You’re such a grandma.” A small smile was visible as she packed up the game, though. “Fine, if we really have to.”

“Wait,” Azula called as Mai turned to go. “Where’s Ty Lee?”

Mai gave her a skeptical look. “Do you actually mean _where is she_ or do you mean _why isn’t she here_?”

She folded her arms and frowned, not answering.

Mai sighed. “You know she’s terrified of you, right?” _All your life you’ve used fear to control people—_ “You’re just lucky I’m not, but I honestly don’t blame her for not showing up. It’s not her job to fix things for you.”

“I — I know that.” _I miss her._

“I’ll tell her you said hi.”

As Mai made her exit, Ursa knelt beside her daughter and put her hands on her shoulders, claw-like nails digging in harshly.

“I miss Dad,” Azula said helplessly. “I miss home.”

“You drove everyone away, Azula.”

She scowled. “Why couldn’t you be more like him? Why couldn’t I make you happy?”

No answer came, and she wept alone, bones aching against the cold floor.


	3. family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> careful, this one gets pretty dark lol sorry (added some tags)

It must have been a few months later that Azula’s brother finally came to see her.

“Nice of you to drop by, Zuzu,” she began sarcastically, but the words died on her tongue when she saw the seriousness of his expression.

“Azula, I need to talk to you. There’s… something you need to know.”

“I’m not here to facilitate your personal growth or help you work through your little problems,” she snapped. “Find yourself a psychiatrist, stupid. It’d only be fair, anyway — as you can see, _I_ am _stuck_ with one.”

Pain flashed across Zuko’s face, subtle and brief enough that anyone else might have missed it, but it was clear as day to her. He closed his eyes tightly for a moment, taking a couple of deep breaths. “I’m not here for me. This is about you.”

“Oh, really? Is that why you haven’t come to see me in — what’s it been, a year now?”

“Are you seriously going to blame me for that after—” He stopped himself. “No. I’m not here to fight with you.”

“How boring. And here I thought I might get to have a little fun.”

“Azula, please — please just stop. I need to tell you something.”

She was quiet.

“It’s… kind of bad news.”

Fear spiked through her chest like a knife, and she leapt to her feet. “Is Dad—”

“Oh, he’s alive,” Zuko said bitterly.

“For now, you mean?”

“No, he’s _fine_. He’s not even sick, as much as he deserves to be. It’s not about him.”

Relief washed over her, and she sank back to the floor gratefully. “Oh, good.”

He shook his head in disgust.

_Of course you wouldn’t understand._

Both of them were silent for a moment. Finally, Zuko asked, “Do you know anything about our grandmother?”

“Which side?”

“Ozai’s.”

“Ilah, right?” Azula shrugged. “Only that she died before we were born. Why?”

“Well… I’ve been doing some research.”

“And?” She prompted impatiently. “You can give me more than one cryptic sentence at a time, Zuzu. This is like pulling teeth — well, actually, that would probably be more fun.”

“She was… like you.”

“What do you mean?”

His expression read _I think you know_ , but he answered anyway. “She had what you have. This.” He gestured awkwardly at her. “And that’s not all. Her twin sister had it too, and so did their grandfather.”

“So then—”

“Yeah. It’s not just you, it runs in the family. I think stress may have triggered the onset, but… it turns out it’s something in our bloodline.”

Azula felt hollow, numbness spreading through her body as she buried her face in her arms for several seconds, trying to absorb this. “Then I won’t get better, will I.”

“You will,” he said firmly. “Mai told me you’re improving already.”

She recoiled immediately. “Did you send her?!”

“No.”

“How can I trust you? How do I know you wouldn’t work with _her_? She always loved you most, anyway.”

“Mai and I aren’t together anymore.”

“I didn’t mean Mai. I meant our mother.”

“Oh.” He looked startled for a moment, then sad. “Of course I’m not ‘working with her,’ Azula. I haven’t seen her in years either.”

“You could be lying.”

“What would I have to gain from lying to you right now?”

“I don’t know.” A troubling new thought occurred to her suddenly, and she set aside her suspicions in favor of voicing it. “Wait, will this happen to you, too?”

He looked as tired and scared as she felt. “I don’t know. It didn’t happen to Uncle or to Ozai, though, so it’s not a guarantee either way.”

“But I’m never going to be normal again.” She suddenly wondered if she could burn herself alive in here.

Well, of course she _could_. The question was whether or not she would.

“No,” he admitted. “You can get better, but… I don’t think it goes away.”

“No. _No!_ ” She beat her fists helplessly against the floor. “No no no I can’t live like this I can’t I can’t —”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not fair. It’s not _fair_!”

She felt she could sense that some part of Zuko was tempted to rub that in her face, to say something like _now you see how it feels_ — but all he said aloud was, “I know.”

“Why did you tell me?”

He hesitated, looking unsure. “I just thought you should know.”

“Oh.” There was a short silence. “How long did those three live?”

“I don’t know much about their grandfather, except that he lived long enough to meet his granddaughters — there’s nothing on him in the palace library or the catacombs, since he wasn’t part of the royal line. I only found him mentioned in a couple of her letters. That’s how I learned about the twin sister, too — and she I know died at twenty.” His gaze shifted away from Azula’s, and his voice lowered almost to a whisper. “It was suicide.”

That hung over the room for a moment, the air heavy with the weight of realization. _This is bigger than us. How am I supposed to fix it alone?_

“What about our grandmother?”

“Ilah died in her late thirties.”

“Was she murdered?”

“I’m sure there would have been some record of that.”

“She killed herself too, then?”

“Apparently she passed away in her sleep.”

Azula’s heart dropped. “But then… of _what_? That’s so young.”

“I wish I knew.”

Chills ran down her spine, and she shivered. “Am I going to die young too?”

“Azula—”

“I want Dad. I want to see Dad!”

“He’s in prison.”

“Take me to see him!”

“I’m not going to do that.”

“Fuck you!”

Zuko backed away, wild fear in his eyes. It was a moment before he was again calm enough to speak, though his voice still trembled a little at first. “Why do you want to see him, anyway? It’s not like he cares.”

“Yes, he does! He’s the only one who cares!” Ursa was listening, of course, and Azula ignored her. _She and I both know the truth._

“Ozai doesn’t love you,” Zuko said harshly. “He didn’t love me, and he doesn’t love you either. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.”

Azula curled up in a ball on the floor, trying to disappear. “I’m sorry,” she rasped.

“I’m sorry too.” His tone remained clipped and distant.

“Why do you hate me?”

“Don’t. It’s not going to work.” He turned away. “Do you have any idea what you put me through as a kid? I’m not going to forgive you just because you’re crying.”

“I’m not _crying_! I don’t cry!” She scraped at her face furiously.

Zuko’s expression softened slightly. “Azula, stop. You’re hurting yourself. You need to calm down.”

Kicking her legs frantically in frustration, she pounded a fist against the floor of her cell. When she exhaled, it was accompanied by a jet of flame.

“I don’t hate you. I feel sorry for you.”

She hissed in anger, more flickers of blue fire darting out.

“Stop it. I’m not letting you intimidate me anymore.”

She deflated, lying still on the ground and turning her head to look at him.

“I don’t think it’s going to work right now for us to have much of a relationship.” She listened intently. “I’m sorry you’re hurting, but you hurt me, too — and pretty much everyone else around you. I can’t be here to hold your hand through everything after that, it’s just going to send me back to a dark place. It hasn’t been easy for me to heal, and it won’t be easy for you, and I’m sorry, but…” He blinked a bit longer than usual, obviously fighting tears. “I can’t do it. You still scare me.”

“I’m sorry I shot lightning at you.”

“Azula, that’s not… that’s not the only problem.”

“I know. But I’m sorry I did. I didn’t know how much it hurts.”

“What do you mean?”

“The electricity, the shock — it hurts. I’m sorry.”

Surprise registered on the unscarred half of his face, followed by concern. “Azula, what happened?”

Half tempted to laugh, she arched an eyebrow at him in mock surprise. “Oh, you mean you don’t know how all this _works_?”

* * *

When she finished describing everything she had been subjected to, Zuko looked like he might be sick. “Alright, I’m going to get you out of here by tonight. I don’t know what we’ll do with you yet, but you’ll be moved somewhere better, I promise. There should probably be some kind of investigation into this place, too — I doubt you’re the only one who's been hurt.”

“Will you visit me?”

For a second, Zuko froze, and then his shoulders sagged with exhaustion. “Azula… I can’t right now. I know it might seem like I’m fine, but I’m not exactly doing well either.”

“Father hurt you.”

He snorted. “Yeah, that’s pretty obvious.”

“ _I_ hurt you.”

Zuko said nothing.

“I’m sorry. I wish it wasn’t… like this. I wish we weren’t all like this.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she finally said something she’d realized only recently. “I wish our family was different. I wish things were better.”

He was quiet for a moment. “So do I.”

“Goodbye, Zuko.”

“I don’t — I don’t mean I’m never going to see you again, okay? I’ll come back when I feel ready, but I don’t know yet when that will be. In the meantime, Mai is here, and who knows, maybe Ty Lee or someone will want to visit too. You won’t be alone.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s the least I can do.”

She shrugged, as much as she could from her position on the floor. “Well, I mean, you can _always_ do less.” She paused. “Unless you’re Dad, I suppose.”

Zuko looked unsure of how to respond, and she rolled her eyes.

“That’s a joke, Zuzu.” He flinched at the nickname, and she noted that. _Maybe I’ll have to find a new one for him._ “You can laugh.”

He did laugh, awkwardly at first, but that was promising.

“I mean, _really_. I guess we’re lucky in a way — as screwed up as we are, that man set the bar _so_ low.”

This time, he really laughed, if a little shakily, and she joined in. For a moment, she felt a glimmer of hope that he might stay.

Abruptly, he scrambled backward, bringing his hands up to shield his face.

She stopped laughing. “No, wait, I’m sorry! What did I do?”

It took him a moment to compose himself, breathing slowly, and she was careful not to acknowledge it. If there was one thing they had in common for sure, it was a deep hatred of appearing vulnerable in front of others.

“I’m sorry,” he said finally. “I just… had a flashback to the Agni Kai.”

Azula didn’t bother to ask which one. Her laughter surely infected both of those memories, and realizing that made her want to cry.

She didn’t let herself, though. It wouldn’t be fair to Zuko to make him comfort her after she’d laughed while his face was burned, laughed after striking him with lightning. No wonder he still feared her.

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

“I do have to go,” he said, getting to his feet. His hands were shaking, and he looked to be on the verge of tears. “But I will see you again, okay? This isn’t going to be easy, but I know you’ll get through it. I mean, you’re… _you_.”

“I don’t feel like me anymore.”

“I know what you mean.” Zuko hesitated. “Well, I know it’s not the same, but—”

“But it kind of is. Part of it.”

He smiled weakly. “Yeah.”

“Well, then… I’ll see you around, I suppose.” _Someday._

“Y-yeah.” She didn’t miss the tear rolling down his cheek as he turned to leave. “See you around.”

Alone, Azula smiled to herself. Surprisingly enough, it had been nice to see her big brother again, in spite of everything.

No fiery death tonight. She would sleep, and tomorrow she would be somewhere hopefully much better, where she would talk through all of this with Mai — and someday, she would see Zuko again. Maybe eventually they could really be a _family_ again.

If nothing else, there was hope.


End file.
